Friday, April 29, 2005

I've been feeling for a while like I have become a bit of a fat rat, spiritually that is. And I have decided that it is also possibly a symptom of some of the western church. I have become fat on talks, tapes, books, events and christian industry, all necessary to the christian life but I feel like I have fed until I can't "consume" anymore. I was talking to my spiritual "mum" the other day about my present condition and she said she felt the same. Somehow I have become tired of listening to the stories, tired of saying I want to be a culture changer, history maker and the rest. Somehow now, I just want to do it. I want to see the blind see, the deaf hear etc instead of hearing it second hand from someone on a platform. And I realised that really that is what I signed up for in the first place.

I am in no way dissing any of the above activities but merely reflecting on my dissatisfaction really. I don't want to live off the "fumes" of something God is doing somewhere else in the world. And yet, at the same time I am realising that desiring such things means to pay. As God has me on this process I am realising more and more that means bit by bit God is going to reclaim his sovereignty in all areas of my life, it costs. In fact every day, every minute at the moment God is saying "How much will you pay?" And I realise at the same time the depth of my selfishness and how much I value promoting me!

And yet grace catches me every time, till I can surrender a little bit more. I'm just wondering how long it will be until I am prepared to exchange all of me for all of what he has?

And then the reason for my fatness dawned on me, I am fat because I am not offering enough of me back. It is a completely crude illustration but it helps me understand some of now.

Monday, April 25, 2005

I am back at uni and finishing the remainder of my dissertation which marks the end of my degree forever and yet its not the overwhelming, awesome excitement I was expecting it to be, Instead it feels like complete limbo land. I had underestimated how much God has done over the last few weeks and he has been moving me on. Its that horrible feeling of I have come back to uni and everything is familiar but somehow it doesn't fit anymore. And I want it to fit because it has been my life for the last 3 years and I have awesome friends who I am more than sad to leave. But also there is this weird sense of relief too, because it is time to go and try new things and be challenged again where everything here is too comfortable now.

I guess its weird because I wasn't expecting to feel like this. And it kind of freaks me because I realise I am changing too, more drastically than I was prepared for. I don't know why I am so surprised cos you don't pray things like "Lord wreck me" and expect to stay the same! And I am also intrigued, really intrigued about what God has got for me, somehow I know it won't look like anything I thought it would! Exciting but weird days.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

have finally sold my car! I did get quite emotional as it disappeared down the drive. I then had to remind myself that it is just a car. It really feels like I am finally going now, I can book flights and get my visa, it still feels kind of strange, It has gone to a good home though, a 17 year old girl who is learning to drive.........probably safer in her hands than mine!

God once again surpassed himself in this like a lot of things in my life. I felt like he gave me a figure to sell it for and not to settle for anything below that. The guy offered me exactly that, no quibbling. Even down to the colour, his daughter wanted a purple car, had it been any other colour they said they wouln't have bothered coming to see it. Not to over spiritualise these things but it was like it was meant to be! love it!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Am supposed to be writing my dissertation but have been hangin out with beautiful friends that I haven't seen for ages. It was kind of weird to see how much everyone is changin and are now proper grown ups! xcitin tho, and something beautiful when you don't chat for years yet it is the same when you get together..... cheers girls!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I was listening to Lauryn Hill unplugged today and something she said just played on my mind for the rest of the day, "The real you is more interesting than a fake someone else." It challenged me to the core. And it made me think back to some of the people I used to work with who had learning disabilities. I found their lack of masks and ability to be themselves and themselves only, so refreshing and so jesus like. And I wanted to be around them because of this because it was 100% genuine and totally accepting way to be.

And it made me think what masks do I need to remove? What masks do I make to ensure that people can't see the One who is truly alive living in me? And i realised that far too often there is too many. Oh for the day when there is no Laura in me, but I am hidden in Jesus.

ps. I also now have the shortest fringe anyone has ever seen, quite distressed.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

“Come, true light. Come, eternal life. Come, hidden mystery... Come, ineffable reality. Come, endless bliss. Come, non-setting sun. Come, awakening of those who are asleep. O Powerful One, who always creates and recreates and transforms by Your will alone... Come, You who have become Yourself desire in me, who have made me desire You. Come, my joy, my glory, my endless delight.”

St. Symeon[1]

Saturday, April 02, 2005

I just got my book list for the missions school....

One of them is Bill Johnson's book, "When heaven invades earth. A practical guide to a life of miracles...."

Actually love it!!