Friday, April 29, 2005

I've been feeling for a while like I have become a bit of a fat rat, spiritually that is. And I have decided that it is also possibly a symptom of some of the western church. I have become fat on talks, tapes, books, events and christian industry, all necessary to the christian life but I feel like I have fed until I can't "consume" anymore. I was talking to my spiritual "mum" the other day about my present condition and she said she felt the same. Somehow I have become tired of listening to the stories, tired of saying I want to be a culture changer, history maker and the rest. Somehow now, I just want to do it. I want to see the blind see, the deaf hear etc instead of hearing it second hand from someone on a platform. And I realised that really that is what I signed up for in the first place.

I am in no way dissing any of the above activities but merely reflecting on my dissatisfaction really. I don't want to live off the "fumes" of something God is doing somewhere else in the world. And yet, at the same time I am realising that desiring such things means to pay. As God has me on this process I am realising more and more that means bit by bit God is going to reclaim his sovereignty in all areas of my life, it costs. In fact every day, every minute at the moment God is saying "How much will you pay?" And I realise at the same time the depth of my selfishness and how much I value promoting me!

And yet grace catches me every time, till I can surrender a little bit more. I'm just wondering how long it will be until I am prepared to exchange all of me for all of what he has?

And then the reason for my fatness dawned on me, I am fat because I am not offering enough of me back. It is a completely crude illustration but it helps me understand some of now.


At 7:15 PM, Anonymous Phil said...

Nice one Lau. Thought i'd check out ur recent bloggery. i'm glad God is still surprising u & giving revelations. Can definately relate to fat rat. Look forward to the next installment...


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